The following monologue was written when I was in school in Halifax. It is meant to be performed in public, preferably on the #1 Bus Westbound on Spring Garden to Coburg, ending at the stop near King’s. The bus speeds vary depending on lights, traffic, and construction, but this monologue is approximately two and a half minutes long, which is about the time it takes the bus to get from Robie to King’s. All it takes is a cell phone, bravery, and enough nuance to start straight and ratchet up the absurdity at a slow rate so that your audience is left on the fence. Running to a flowerbed afterwards gets bonus points. The numbers in brackets are the time, in seconds, that you must allow “North” to speak before saying you next line.
YOU: Hi, North? Yep it’s…do you have call display? Great so you know it’s me. (3) It would’ve cost extra to get my name blocked, I didn’t want to pay man, money’s tight these days, knowwadImean? (1) Hell, I wouldn’t have joined you on this crazy idea if I didn’t need money. And this way you can see it’s me without me having to say my name out loud in a bus full of people. Some of them might get wise, want to be heroes, knowwadImean? (8) No I didn’t say your name man, of course I wouldn’t do that, at least not in a bus full of people. (6) North, (2) North, (1) NORTH! Just listen to me man. (2) Yeah well of course I said you name there I was trying to get your attention and you were talking so I said your name. (2) Okay North, I won’t do it again. (2) Okay, okay, I won’t do it again, I swear. (4) Right, right, so you want to know about the, the…thing. The thing is in the box in the bunker. (1) That means that I buried it in a coffin, North. (3) Well it deserves the respect knowwadImean, it’s all torn apart and all. If you were in fourteen parts you would want a proper burial. (3) I can’t tell you where I buried it man. Because it’s your name, I can’t say your name. (1) That’s right, I buried it on the “your name” side of Gruboc St. (2) It’s Coburg backwards man, read the protocol. (3) What? (1) No, no, no, no. You said the North side, North. (1) No, man you said North. (1) South? Are you sure? (2) I did read the protocol! (3) Well I couldn’t find the lawn so I just put it in a flowerbed. (4) No man, just begonias, no one will miss them. (2) I’m almost there, I can just get off and fix it. So, how is the doublebanger working out? (1) Doppelganger, doppelganger. (8) For real? They didn’t suspect? (3) I know! To think the real hamster is in fourteen bits on the wrong side of the street in a flowerbed! I gotta go, this is my stop.